she makes my skin crawl at night.. this is fucked up.
Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure.
I sit, wondering how we, as the human race, shall plan to manage the next great plague. There’s something profound to me, about the idea of HIV aids. I’m not sure what it is. I’m not sure why it is. Sometimes it gives -to me -give the -too great impression of conspiracy, like with crack cocaine being placed, deliberately into black ghettos in the 80’s. What form of altruism will they cook up for us next, I wonder? Perhaps, a war with North Korea? Well, at least thus might act to unify the country. I know that sounds terrible. I’m not saying that war would be good; rather, only that it would be preferable to me when compared to biological warfare and/-or sociocultural oppression perpetrated against our own citizenry.
I often consider whether or not -at any point in time -I might be carrying the HIV virus. It’s awful, the thought of it. Especially the imaginary part about having to be poor while managing it. I probably wouldn’t mind having it at all; that is, if I were lucky enough to be Charlie Sheen or Magic Johnson. It’s a fairly manageable condition from all-what I’ve heard of it, in regard to modern science. HIV, not AIDs. You get AIDs and you’re screwed, but it takes at least ten years for AIDs to be [Acquired][I][D]. It’s basically just like any type of disease, like Cirhossis [I assume I spelled it wrong], Diabetes, or heart failure. AIDs is, in regard to the immune system, because it comes, only as a result of a lack of initial treatment. If you don’t put a band aid on the cut, the cut will get infected. If you aren’t given antibiotics for the infection, it shall eventually cause permanent, irreversible damage. I’m speaking very generally here. It’s O.K. if you think I’m stupid. You can go ahead and list off some other risk factors, capable to speed up the rate of AIDs acquisition. You’ll save me words.
I’m not a doctor, but I do know a little about these types of things. This is the WebMD age. And make no mistake, more than once have I run into the local doctor’s office -on the breaches of mental ruin, -for an HIV test. Cancer’s a big one for me too. There was this one time, when I forced the doctor to give me a chest X -ray, myself having been thoroughly convinced that I’d somehow acquired lung cancer. But I suppose that nothing matters. I try not to think about it. If anything, I do it to escape the thoughts of all the numerous ways in which others have tried to kill me, and are currently trying to kill me, direct or indirectly.
But yeah, I might be willing to contract HIV, if only I could get my hands onto Magic Johnson’s millions. I’d take the ARVs, and get myself a large box of condoms. I also often wonder, -[because I’d once read inside an old magazine, from the 90’s, inside one of my art classes in highschool] -if I could also enjoy screwing other people with AIDs whille having AIDs. I know they still recommend condoms, because the risk factors -blah blah blah. These people have fucking AIDs, really, what else have they got to lose? This woman I had read about, she had been dating a junkie for a very long time. She loved him and he gave her AIDs. The irony, was all very true to life. So, he gives her AIDS right, and she acts as nurse to him as he’s dying of AIDs, and then finally, after he dies, she seeks out another mate with AIDs, to spend what little time she has left on planet earth with him. It’s all such a tragedy; but I was thinking, they should have like -a Tinder, just for people with AIDs. Or maybe that’s just how the regular one is. Let’s hope not, for my sake and for many other fuck boys alike. Regardless, I’m sure as hell not gonna try and capitalize on that idea. Y’all can have it.
Aside from that, I was very lucky to have never gotten HIV while shooting heroin for three years. But, like I said, I could have it right now. I wouldn’t know. I was tested a couple months back, but anything’s possible. I’ve already rejected all of life as a whole, so I would expect nothing less than for God to throw his dirty tricks at me. And it’s not so depressing when placed in overall context. Luckily, I don’t go out very much. Thus, will lessen your chances greatly, to die of anything. In other words, learn to love your walls!
Afterall, the last thing any government who dispersed said virus would want for anyone to do is to stay inside, rather than go out contracting said virus, among other various, common diseases including [but not limited to] stupidity, leprosy, politics, self esteem, the love of going to concerts, etc. etc. It just goes to show, that I shot up heroin for three years, and contracted nothing of any true consequence besides an abscess of minor size, capable to be painfully dealt with while at an urgent care center. That and a round or two of antibiotics, and I was good to go. Aside from that, couple ’bouts of cotton fever, misery, a permanent, incurable apathy, and the dreaded dope sickness. Last time I saw the doctor, he said I run like a brand new car. But, of course, they never give a shit to actually do their job, well. No HIV, no AIDs. Yet, of course, its never impossible. See, I’m very superstitious. I believe that if I expect myself exempt, than I’m liable to contract. Now, I expect -in all reality- that under Murphy’s law I’m liable either way. But fuck it, let me have my obsessional paranoia. Nothing matters.
Cancer, on the other hand, is inescapable in today’s culture. Especially in my family. So, I don’t really see a point in trying.
Anyway, it sucks that Freddy Mercury’s dead, along with Eazy -E. Trace back ten years from the date of their diagnoses, and tell me what that is, because I believe that AIDS was first discovered in the 80’s. If it were in the 90’s, I’d find it ironic that only ten years earlier, there was the intentional spread of cocaine. Anyway, perhaps thus is just my obsessive paranoia. Or not. Who came before Reagan? I’d imagine Reagan would have been the one. Agh, forget it. I guess that to bomb the North Koreans may suffice -in the short term -as a good enough distraction, not considering all the radiation sure to be left over, and whatever new and hideous diseases that might create.